There's no wrong way to grieve

Some writings on grief. Take what feels helpful today and leave the rest. Grief comes when we lose someone or something profoundly significant. It is deeply personal, yet touches all of us in our lives.

One concern I hear from people is the fear that they're grieving the wrong way or that something is wrong with them. Perhaps feeling that you are too emotional, not emotional enough, coping too quickly, or not moving fast enough.

The truth is: the only way through grief is to grieve, in whatever way that looks for you.

I want to acknowledge how challenging this can be, especially given there can be societal pressure to move on more quickly than is natural.

"The only cure to grief is to grieve." - Earl Grollman

Different ways of grieving

Some grief researchers describe two broad grieving styles: intuitive and instrumental. Although grief rarely fits into neat boxes, these styles can help people make sense of their experience.

For instance, intuitive grieving is experienced with emotion, such as tears, talking, drawing or writing about loss. This might mean writing letters to someone who died or crying in the presence of someone you trust.

Instrumental grieving is experienced in more cognitive and practical ways, for example through tasks, action or problem-solving. I have often found myself here: organising photos or objects, going for walks or starting a new project. Sometimes, it helps to have something to hold onto, and that makes sense.

Often, grief will move between these styles. Perhaps take a moment to consider: what is your grief asking of you?

The emotional landscape of grief

“The human soul doesn’t want to be advised, fixed, or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed.” - Parker J. Palmer

Grief rarely involves one feeling at a time. It can be a tapestry: sadness, relief, numbness, guilt and even moments of joy weaving together.

In his book "The Wild Edge of Sorrow", Francis Weller reminds us that grief spirals and circles rather than moving in a straight line. Although this can feel disorientating, the invitation is to keep getting to know ourselves as grief unfolds in its natural way.

I believe that grief is a journey of gently learning how to hold sorrow alongside laughter, emptiness alongside warmth. Of gradually making room for more.